It has been awhile hasn't it? Here is an update:
Today, I was diagnosed with severe depression. After what was to be a routine visit to SOFT for blood work and more testing, I ended up leaving with swelled eyes from crying and a prescription for happy pills to "take the edge off"
The past few weeks, I have tried to hold my head up and move past what is the inevitable of me not having my own children. Trying to be strong for others who have gone through a recent miscarriage and trying to move forward in my life. After our miscarriage I believed firmly, things do happen for a reason and maybe our babies really were not meant to be with us. I believed God had a bigger and better plan for me. Now, I don't believe a word I told myself merely a few months ago. I feel broke, weak and totally alone. I know, that a lot of this isn't true, but you can't help what your heart wants and I desperately want a baby of my own. Sure being a photographer gives me many advantages of posting status's saying that I need a baby fix and I will have several people tell me I can have their children for the day...but it still isn't the same as having your own to snuggle whenever you want.
I have a huge support system among you my readers, my online friends that I am forever grateful for. People who I barely know, but have come to have a relationship with because you are here to read my story, to support me and to listen to me while I struggle on my journey. It is hard some days, for me to even talk about what you go through when you are infertile. A lot of people have messaged me, saying they know others who are going through the same thing and that they stopped trying and BAM they now have a three or four year old. Unfortunately for me, it most likely won't happen without some sort of help from a medical professional.
And while in my darkest moments, I feel I need to make this "battle" more public. Make people more aware that there are 100's of women and men out there going through the infertility battle. The battle that causes emotional distress, 85% of marriage breakdowns and 95% of friendship loss,because people just don't understand. I have had several people ask me, "L, when is enough enough. When will it break you?" And all I can think of in response is......if you want something bad enough you are going to work hard until you get it, depression or not. Sure, I feel sad and I cry a lot. Most of the time, when you stare at me, I can begin to tear up without wanting to. (I feel I could use this to my advantage if I wanted a new pony to hug)
And when I am sad, most of you know, the comedian comes out in me. Whether singing like a robot or cracking jokes... I really am just covering the wounds that I probably shouldn't bottle up? I do however, have to thank a very brave woman who has decided to keep her horses at my farm. In many ways, she has come into my world as a ray of sunshine and has kept me preoccupied on the days I feel low. I will be forever grateful to her and her friendship.
Okay, so back to the non-depressing stuff.
Because I feel that I need to make people more "aware" of this topic I decided to host a Fundraiser Photoshoot. Designed where the funds are allocated to a medical plan called "The Compassionate Care Program" Most of you are not aware, that about 95% of fertility drugs are not covered under most medical plans, and like my husband and I we do not have a medical plan through the farm. Several drugs alone may cost in the lines of $300 - $600 per vile, pending on the drug that is needed. On our last cycle, we needed an extra one of those $600 per vile drugs. The clinic graciously donated one to us. Other couples out there, who were successful in achieving a pregnancy and didn't need their prescriptions donated them back into the program for people like me. I have a goal to reach. I want to be able to help someone, anyone who is suffering from this horrible battle to achieve that long waited pregnancy. To feel that joy!
I have had a few cancellations for this fundraiser. Which you can find out more on my facebook page on available times. If you cannot come but wish to make a donation, I will be forever thankful. (follow the link below) I do realize that this isn't an average fundraiser. It isn't cancer, it isn't autism, but it is something worth fighting for. Every deserving couple, deserves a chance to have a child.
Thank you for your time in reading this sappy blog post. In the end, I shed a lot of tears proof reading it and now I feel better <3
~L
TO MAKE A DONATION:
http://www.gofundme.com/fightinfertility
