I have changed.....

The words "you have changed" came out of my husbands mouth the other day.  The only thoughts that have come to mind, is yes... yes indeed I have changed.  Everyday, people change either for the better or the worse.

Let me step back... let me explain why my sweet husband thinks I have changed from the quiet woman that he married 6 years ago.

With all the trials and tribulations that I have over come in the last ten years define who I am as a person today.  I have learned to hold on to love, and not let it go.  I have learned to fight hard, and if I don't succeed, to fight harder.  I have learned never to give up.  I have learned to trust, probably when I shouldn't have.  I have learned to never forget.  I have learned to never let anyone tell me I am not good enough, and  I have learned to stand my ground and never be walked on......ever.....again.

April 2nd, 2005 changed my life forever, and as we reach closer to that horrific date I seem to see myself go back and forth with emotions.   I learned so much in the 5 years prior to the loss of someone I loved so deeply, that when the day he was taken from his family, friends and of course myself I changed. I vowed that I would do better. I vowed I would make something out of myself and I vowed that when and if I ever found love like that again, I'd hold on so tight that no one or anything would ever come in between us.  9 Long years ago, I lost my first true love, and while I feel blessed to have known him, I feel blessed to have held him while he took his last breath.   I do think of him daily.  I believe he is holding all of my angel's hands in heaven and that he is constantly with me through my toughest times in life.  And even though as I type this blog, my heart flutters when thinking of him.....I believe that he lead me to my husband, and I believe he has a small part in what holds us together.

 You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

 

March 12th marked 4 years since we lost our first angel baby. To mark the occasion, I got some ink so I will always remember every angel baby, every day.

"Lending me the wings I lack" with 7 horse shoes, representing each loss, each miscarriage, each precious angel.

The last month and a half has been a tough month to say the least.  Not only personally, but for my business as well. First of all, I changed my business name back to my maiden name which gave me courage, and the strength to go on and prove to the world I can make it as a photographer and business owner.  Despite recently losing my whole portfolio, I have come to reason that it was just a misstep, and I can easily replace those photos with this year's sessions!!

I discovered who and what family means to me, and this is where I learned to stand up for myself!   Unfortunately, I have heard from many married couples and the famous saying "You marry the family" always comes to play.  In my case,  I am a firm believer I married my husband, and him only.  He is the one I want to make my life with, not his family.  I most likely, should stay some what silent on this subject....I am most certain, that this blog will end up on their desktop/mobile screens.  All I have to say is......... "Sticks and stones may build your throne, but you will be up there all alone!"

Positive Changes!!


I was asked this month to be on a community television series called "Women of Courage" to speak about infertility and all the issues and problems that I have encountered during our time in treatment.  Since, this has been put on hold until April!  I cannot wait to do it, and be the voice for so many people out there who are silent on the subject.


Also C and I decided to go into Foster parenting!  We had our first initial consult with the local Children's Aid last week to discuss what our next steps to complete the process!  It is such an exciting adventure, but we are both very nervous.  Not knowing what the outcome will be, but knowing that we will be helping others is such a fulfillment.  I know that everything does happen for a reason, and I feel that everything that we/I have gone through in the last ten years has lead me to this!! How amazing is this!?  I am extremely thankful for a few people I have met who have gone and are in the process of going through this route.  It is refreshing to know that there are others out there willing to help and network with us!

And I AM STILL GOING TO THE GYM!

So here we are coming into April.  Here is hoping that this month will bring more smile and laughter and less tears of frustration and anger!

~L

My Dear Fertile Friends...

This right here, hits the spot:

My Dear Fertile Friends,

First of all, I want you to know that this is not going to be an offensive, fertile bashing post. I simply want to let you in on something that your infertile friends might not be telling you.

Women with infertility often find it difficult to speak to women about their issues if said women are not also infertility sufferers. It isn’t that we don’t like you, but it’s hard. Kind of like if you have a question about your child, you probably won’t ask a friend that doesn’t have children. You know how annoying it is when people without children offer you parenting advice? Your friends with infertility feel this same way when suggestions are made that maybe if they tried this, or tried that, they could get pregnant. If you suggest that they relax, you should be prepared for a gut punch. Your friend that is up to her ears in IVF pamphlets and RE paperwork has tried to relax. She knows.

Also, don’t suggest to her that she adopt. Adoption isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t a second place choice for infertile couples. Don’t tell her that she will get pregnant as soon as she starts the adoption process. This does happen for some people, but for some people it doesn’t.

The best thing I can say to explain it to you, is that your friend is mourning. As we know from Elizabeth Kübler-Ross there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In my own personal experience, these stages don’t just apply to death, but also the loss of an idea. Your friend is struggling with the loss of the idea of how her life was supposed to be. She was supposed to get pregnant right when she wanted to, just like other women. She wanted to have children before she reached a certain age. I can promise you that no one wants to go through fertility treatments. No one wants to wait when they’re ready, and no one wants to intentionally take medicine to make them a crazy person.

We love you, and we appreciate your concern, but please don’t take our problems upon yourself and try to fix them. We will work through this, and we will come out on the other side one way or another. Some day we will move into the acceptance stage of grief, it just might not be today.

Broken Dreams = New Dreams

Why hello there readers!!!

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I have stared at this blank page for over 30 minutes.  Sipping on a little Jack and coke to try and calm my nerves and coax my heart to let me write the words that need to come.  2013 was another failed year at our fertility war, and now that we are officially done with this type of treatment, I can safely explain our situation to the world.

Last year in May, we were given an option from the clinic that we see regularly in London.  An option that seemed too good to refuse.  It was called Embryo Donation.  We sat down with the coordinator who explained all the pros and cons for this type of treatment.  There were defintly more pro's than con's -- and with my age we were a good match for a couple located in California.  The new "sister" clinic of ours here in Ontario would be looking after the procedure and paperwork for us.  It only took us one night to decide that we wanted to opt into this route and to get the paperwork started.  Three Lawyers later, a 65 page "adoption" agreement later we were ready to start!  4 weeks of estrogen and progesterone shots in the butt later we were on a plane off to sunny California to celebrate the next step of our lives and our 5 year anniversary.  Needless to say, we know it did intitially work. We had two viable embryo's transferred on our anniversary and spent the next two days on bed rest and flew home the following week.  I was positively pregnant with twins with flying beta numbers.  Three weeks later, we experienced our first miscarriage with Embryo A with B to follow shortly after.

Embyo A

Embryo B

Since that dreadful day in August, we took a break to let the drugs leave my system and of course to let the grieving and healing begin.  I spent 95% my time in the barn playing with horses and hanging out with my friends, as well I slowly went back to work with my Photography business and kept myself busy. I also organized my first Infertility Fundraiser Photoshoot which was held in October.  We raised just over $1800 to help other couples in our situation be able to afford treatments!  This made me feel so good to be able to help others....and by November we were ready to try one more time.  We had two embryo's left. (we lost two during our first visit due to the thaw)  I felt that if I didn't try again, I would always wonder what would of happened if I didn't.  Would it have worked and we could have finally been a family???

Our Balloon Release

 We made the decision to go, after good news from an exploratory surgery that the doctor in California requested I have.  Quickly, I was put into a cycle with Estrogen injections in my hip muscle twice a week followed by Progesterone injections daily in my hip muscle.  I was also put on Metformin to  control my sugars, a baby asprin to help my blood and my regular doses of vitamins.  I give my husband much credit for putting up with the nightly injections.  He was as gentle as expected coming from a farmer who treats his cows daily by stabbing them.  Well maybe not that rough but you get the picture.

We flew out on an early December morning and arrived in Vegas, spent a day there and a day in Death Valley then headed to LA.   Our second embryo transfer went very smooth and there were no problems.  We were then sent back to our hotel for two days of bed rest.  My husband came down with what I thought was the flu right after the transfer which lasted the whole three days we were there.  (It turned out to be a food allergy)  I developed a cough on the last day before we flew out.  By the time we arrived back at Detroit airport at 6AM on Christmas Eve, I was worse.  We spent the afternoon at my parents and by dinner I was practically in bed sick.  I spent the rest of the Christmas holidays in bed coughing and feeling awful.  By the 27th, I knew I wasn't pregnant.  The 30th came quick and I went into a lab for blood tests and New Years eve we received the dreaded news we were not expecting.

Embryo A

It was a rough experience... part of me knew it already and was used to receiving the bad news and the other part was totally lost.  I became very angry very quickly.  I could only say to my husband, "nothing like seeing our life savings flushed down the drain within 5 minutes"  Both clinics were closed for two weeks.  I had no one to talk to about this at a doctors point of view, but was very thankful to have my three best friends who stood beside me the whole time.  All three made sure I was still "alive" everyday (and they still check daily).  I did find out who was there for me and who was not during this whole experience as well...I know I wrote some pretty cryptic facebook status' as of late, but I do know that every single one of my readers help me get through each and everyday.  I have had people reach out to me that I have never met, give me strength and encouragement. They have thanked me for opening up and letting them read something very personal, which encourages them and helps them during their own fertility struggles.  I do want to let all of you know, I appreciate you!   I am now in my third week of angry depression.  I always seem to get this way as the drugs slowly leave my system.  I become a home body, and I do not leave the house.  Another reason why two of my friends make sure I leave the house at least twice a week haha! 

So what does 2014 hold for me?

I can't answer that yet.  I have decided to focus on me for awhile.  Enjoy my three wonderful horses and focus on working my butt off. I plan on learning to love myself more no matter how broken I feel.  I plan on learning how to turn frustrated tears into smiles.

I plan on organizing the next 2014 Infertility Fundraiser Photoshoot for this coming June and hope to raise more money for people who deserve babies of their own.   I want to make this an annual thing where families can come and help celebrate their angel babies, their dream babies and their miracle babies!

A letter to my husband:

To the love of my life,

Thank you. I know we can get through this together and I wouldn't want to go through this fight with no one other than you.

I love you with everything I have.


~L

The three D's. Discouraged, Denial and Depression

Hi Readers,


It has been awhile hasn't it? Here is an update:

Today, I was diagnosed with severe depression. After what was to be a routine visit to SOFT for blood work and more testing, I ended up leaving with swelled eyes from crying and a prescription for happy pills to "take the edge off"

The past few weeks, I have tried to hold my head up and move past what is the inevitable of me not having my own children. Trying to be strong for others who have gone through a recent miscarriage and trying to move forward in my life.  After our miscarriage I believed firmly, things do happen for a reason and maybe our babies really were not meant to be with us.  I believed God had a bigger and better plan for me.  Now, I don't believe a word I told myself merely a few months ago.  I feel broke, weak and totally alone.  I know, that a lot of this isn't true, but you can't help what your heart wants and I desperately want a baby of my own.  Sure being a photographer gives me many advantages of posting status's saying that I need a baby fix and I will have several people tell me I can have their children for the day...but it still isn't the same as having your own to snuggle whenever you want.

I have a huge support system among you my readers, my online friends that I am forever grateful for.  People who I barely know, but have come to have a relationship with because you are here to read my story, to support me and to listen to me while I struggle on my journey.  It is hard some days, for me to even talk about what you go through when you are infertile. A lot of people have messaged me, saying they know others who are going through the same thing and that they stopped trying and BAM they now have a three or four year old.  Unfortunately for me, it most likely won't happen without some sort of help from a medical professional.

And while in my darkest moments, I feel I need to make this "battle" more public.  Make people more aware that there are 100's of women and men out there going through the infertility battle. The battle that causes emotional distress, 85% of marriage breakdowns and 95% of friendship loss,because people just  don't understand.  I have had several people ask me, "L, when is enough enough.  When will it break you?"   And all I can think of in response is......if you want something bad enough you are going to work hard until you get it, depression or not.  Sure, I feel sad and I cry a lot.  Most of the time, when you stare at me, I can begin to tear up without wanting to.  (I feel I could use this to my advantage if I wanted a new pony to hug)

And when I am sad, most of you know, the comedian comes out in me.  Whether singing like a robot or cracking jokes... I really am just covering the wounds that I probably shouldn't bottle up?  I do however, have to thank a very brave woman who has decided to keep her horses at my farm.  In many ways, she has come into my world as a ray of sunshine and has kept me preoccupied on the days I feel low.  I will be forever grateful to her and her friendship.

Okay, so back to the non-depressing stuff.

Because I feel that I need to make people more "aware" of this topic I decided to host a Fundraiser Photoshoot.  Designed where the funds are allocated to a medical plan called "The Compassionate Care Program"  Most of you are not aware, that about 95% of fertility drugs are not covered under most medical plans, and like my husband and I we do not have a medical plan through the farm.  Several drugs alone may cost in the lines of $300 - $600 per vile, pending on the drug that is needed.  On our last cycle, we needed an extra one of those $600 per vile drugs.  The clinic graciously donated one to us.  Other couples out there, who were successful in achieving a pregnancy and didn't need their prescriptions donated them back into the program for people like me.  I have a goal to reach.  I want to be able to help someone, anyone who is suffering from this horrible battle to achieve that long waited pregnancy. To feel that joy!

I have had a few cancellations for this fundraiser. Which you can find out more on my facebook page on available times.  If you cannot come but wish to make a donation, I will be forever thankful. (follow the link below)  I do realize that this isn't an average fundraiser.  It isn't cancer, it isn't autism, but it is something worth fighting for.  Every deserving couple, deserves a chance to have a child. 

Thank you for your time in reading this sappy blog post.  In the end, I shed a lot of tears proof reading it and now I feel better <3

~L


TO MAKE A DONATION:

http://www.gofundme.com/fightinfertility

Positive, Positive, Positive.....oh sh*t!

Well readers, I was super excited last week when we received great news from the clinic.  Finally, a POSITIVE! did you read that? Yes, it was a positive! A POSITIVE! My Beta numbers were through the roof into what made Nurse B think there was def. more than one little embryo making a home in the oven!  I went back two days later for more blood work with another AMAZING phone call back saying my Beta's jumped from 470 to over 1200!  This was such exciting news! Of course, I told close friends and family what was going on. How could you not?! 

The week flew by and I was walking on cloud 9!  My husband was so excited and happy that something finally worked!!  Until...that is.......it happened.

I literally felt fine driving to my parents place.  We had to drop some tools off for my dad, and I was going visit for a bit. Once I got there,  I knew something wasn't right.  I got out of the truck, and BAM it hit me. What felt like a sucker punch to my gut, it sent me to my knees and there was blood everywhere.  We quickly went to Woodstock Hospital where their known hospitality still remains as USELESS AND DISAPPOINTING!   They told my husband as I was keeled over with cramps that I was not a priority and I had to sit and wait my turn. We drove straight to London.  Blood was drawn immediately, a physical was done and even an ultrasound.  From that hour wait between Woodstock and London I passed what seemed like a lot of blood.  We were finally released at 2:30 am where I officially miscarried one embryo at home.  Devastated, I called the clinic and made it there at 8 am for an internal ultrasound where it revealed that the second embryo was a "floater" and was no longer viable.

So now what?  My numbers officially dropped from 9700 on Monday to 3700 on Tuesday to a low 700 today.  The ultrasound today revealed the second embryo absorbed itself and the only thing left to do now is rid the rest of the tissue.  I have been asked by family "what went wrong?"  and I have no answers.  The many doctors don't have any answers.  Considering the second embryo just up and "walked away" we have nothing to test.  Part of me feels it just wasn't the right time. But is it ever really the right time?

I will table this event as an experience.  I am not sad anymore that it didn't work out.  I am somewhat relieved that the doctors agree that finally it's not my body that's being the jerk here.  That my "oven" does indeed work.  And hey, it's bound to happen next time right!  And if it doesn't, it isn't like we didn't try!

After a HUGE pep-talk from Nurse B this morning, I am no longer feeling sorry for myself.  I didn't do a single thing wrong. I want to thank you friends, for the positive comments you have left me.  Knowing so many of you out there truly care is inspiring me to go on further.  And you know, if we can't have our own babies, at least I can see all of yours while I work right??  I'll simply buy a fancy car and go on exotic trips to Kitchener...or London. 

Until then readers, and fellow infertile ladies.... chin up, keep your eye on the prize.  And if it doesn't work out??? Buy a fancy car and go on an exotic trip.

LAST WEEK UPDATE

4 weeks pregnant with a placement ultrasound this coming wednesday





THIS WEEK UPDATE


Miscarriage of embryo one-Early Tuesday morning
Loss of Embryo two - Thursday

CHANGES IN THIS CYCLE:

Progesterone and Estrogen shots only!

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGES:
I'm going to hug my husband more than once and maybe even make him dinner. Because after all, when it's just the two of us we can overcome anything :) <3

Day 53 - WHY SO LONG?!

Why hello there readers.  I appoligize for the lack of communication with the world about this touchy subject as of late.  Last time I posted, I was on day 23 of my cycle and was basically told to come back on day 35 for a pregnancy test, blood work and ultrasound, in which we found out that there was still no change despite the increase of drugs as well as injections.  Let's face it readers, I fell apart.  I cried, I stayed in bed for a few days...and I cried some more. The last thing I wanted to do was to was to post my sad news, and have everyone feel sorry for this poor little soul of mine.  

I decided that it really wasn't all that bad if my husband and I didn't have children. It would be a bit lonely, but I had him, my fur baby Miss B, my horses, cows and of course my family to lean on when it would get rough.  We talked about options, what we were going to do. Would we go back and try another cycle? Would we increase the drugs and potentially go for an IVF cycle?  What about adoption? 

I set up an appointment with our Dr. at Soft to discuss the drug options.  I also expressed my feelings to my husband about how I was unsure I wanted to go through with more injections in my stomach. I literally have had...enough.  I have been all sorts of drug combinations for the past three years. Nothing was working. And when I manage to get pregnant...it still wasn't working.

So here we are on Day 53.  Why day 53?  because I haven't taken Birth Control to start my period. But  why?  Because when you are trying to focus on a happier you, you do not need to be going through "shark week" on top of it.  I am focusing on eating healthier, exercising, clearing my mind of everyday nonsense that usually would bother or worry me.  Learning to accept what the dear Lord throws at me. Learning to love myself, even when I feel broken at times.  

So readers, I am afraid I don't  have any exciting news to tell you.  We are taking a break from the Fertility Monster and going on vacation!  With my business booming, we have decided to wait a few months when things slow down to discuss our options further.  

I will be in touch with everyone when we return from California.  Perhaps a miracle will happen ;-)

Day 23 - Starting Over

By the looks of the title of this post, it certainly means..yes..we need to start over.  We ventured to the clinic this morning around 8 AM to get in line of bloodwork and an ultrasound.  The ultrasound showed no viable follicles at all.  Heartbreaking, but for some reason I am used to the negative news.

We now have to wait until Day 30 (next saturday) to go back for a pregnancy test, which seems a little redundant knowing that you can't produce any follicles that you have to go back to be told that you aren't pregnant.  I most likely will not go.

So now what?  People in my situation who have PCOS may have troubles having their own period.  So I will start taking 10 days of birth control, waiting 5 days and viola!!  Such a pain in the @$$, but it is the only way to do it.  We will be discussing with Dr. Martin later next week our options.  Considering the 5 x injections still didn't produce anything, we are now leaning towards a more invasive procedure; Invetro.   Quite costly, roughly around $8,000.00 if you do not have coverage in which we are hoping to have some in place on the farm by the end of April or May 1st.

I am surprisingly not upset this time....perhaps I knew on day 20 all along that it wasn't going to happen.  A little, too good to be true??  I am going to focus again on myself this month.  Happiness is the key.  Meditation, Healthy eating, healthy lifestyle changes.  And try not to want to strangle poor Chris during the 10 days of birth control.  It really affects my hormones :(

I want to thank everyone for their continued support this month!  Let's see what next cycle brings!!

Love Love.

Lainie

TODAY'S UPDATE:

Day 23:  Bloodwork and Ultrasound complete.  Uterus measuring at 9, any sizable follicle....disappeared into thin air.

CHANGES IN THIS CYCLE:

None

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGES:

Hug a pony!