I have changed.....

The words "you have changed" came out of my husbands mouth the other day.  The only thoughts that have come to mind, is yes... yes indeed I have changed.  Everyday, people change either for the better or the worse.

Let me step back... let me explain why my sweet husband thinks I have changed from the quiet woman that he married 6 years ago.

With all the trials and tribulations that I have over come in the last ten years define who I am as a person today.  I have learned to hold on to love, and not let it go.  I have learned to fight hard, and if I don't succeed, to fight harder.  I have learned never to give up.  I have learned to trust, probably when I shouldn't have.  I have learned to never forget.  I have learned to never let anyone tell me I am not good enough, and  I have learned to stand my ground and never be walked on......ever.....again.

April 2nd, 2005 changed my life forever, and as we reach closer to that horrific date I seem to see myself go back and forth with emotions.   I learned so much in the 5 years prior to the loss of someone I loved so deeply, that when the day he was taken from his family, friends and of course myself I changed. I vowed that I would do better. I vowed I would make something out of myself and I vowed that when and if I ever found love like that again, I'd hold on so tight that no one or anything would ever come in between us.  9 Long years ago, I lost my first true love, and while I feel blessed to have known him, I feel blessed to have held him while he took his last breath.   I do think of him daily.  I believe he is holding all of my angel's hands in heaven and that he is constantly with me through my toughest times in life.  And even though as I type this blog, my heart flutters when thinking of him.....I believe that he lead me to my husband, and I believe he has a small part in what holds us together.

 You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

 

March 12th marked 4 years since we lost our first angel baby. To mark the occasion, I got some ink so I will always remember every angel baby, every day.

"Lending me the wings I lack" with 7 horse shoes, representing each loss, each miscarriage, each precious angel.

The last month and a half has been a tough month to say the least.  Not only personally, but for my business as well. First of all, I changed my business name back to my maiden name which gave me courage, and the strength to go on and prove to the world I can make it as a photographer and business owner.  Despite recently losing my whole portfolio, I have come to reason that it was just a misstep, and I can easily replace those photos with this year's sessions!!

I discovered who and what family means to me, and this is where I learned to stand up for myself!   Unfortunately, I have heard from many married couples and the famous saying "You marry the family" always comes to play.  In my case,  I am a firm believer I married my husband, and him only.  He is the one I want to make my life with, not his family.  I most likely, should stay some what silent on this subject....I am most certain, that this blog will end up on their desktop/mobile screens.  All I have to say is......... "Sticks and stones may build your throne, but you will be up there all alone!"

Positive Changes!!


I was asked this month to be on a community television series called "Women of Courage" to speak about infertility and all the issues and problems that I have encountered during our time in treatment.  Since, this has been put on hold until April!  I cannot wait to do it, and be the voice for so many people out there who are silent on the subject.


Also C and I decided to go into Foster parenting!  We had our first initial consult with the local Children's Aid last week to discuss what our next steps to complete the process!  It is such an exciting adventure, but we are both very nervous.  Not knowing what the outcome will be, but knowing that we will be helping others is such a fulfillment.  I know that everything does happen for a reason, and I feel that everything that we/I have gone through in the last ten years has lead me to this!! How amazing is this!?  I am extremely thankful for a few people I have met who have gone and are in the process of going through this route.  It is refreshing to know that there are others out there willing to help and network with us!

And I AM STILL GOING TO THE GYM!

So here we are coming into April.  Here is hoping that this month will bring more smile and laughter and less tears of frustration and anger!

~L

My Dear Fertile Friends...

This right here, hits the spot:

My Dear Fertile Friends,

First of all, I want you to know that this is not going to be an offensive, fertile bashing post. I simply want to let you in on something that your infertile friends might not be telling you.

Women with infertility often find it difficult to speak to women about their issues if said women are not also infertility sufferers. It isn’t that we don’t like you, but it’s hard. Kind of like if you have a question about your child, you probably won’t ask a friend that doesn’t have children. You know how annoying it is when people without children offer you parenting advice? Your friends with infertility feel this same way when suggestions are made that maybe if they tried this, or tried that, they could get pregnant. If you suggest that they relax, you should be prepared for a gut punch. Your friend that is up to her ears in IVF pamphlets and RE paperwork has tried to relax. She knows.

Also, don’t suggest to her that she adopt. Adoption isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t a second place choice for infertile couples. Don’t tell her that she will get pregnant as soon as she starts the adoption process. This does happen for some people, but for some people it doesn’t.

The best thing I can say to explain it to you, is that your friend is mourning. As we know from Elizabeth Kübler-Ross there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In my own personal experience, these stages don’t just apply to death, but also the loss of an idea. Your friend is struggling with the loss of the idea of how her life was supposed to be. She was supposed to get pregnant right when she wanted to, just like other women. She wanted to have children before she reached a certain age. I can promise you that no one wants to go through fertility treatments. No one wants to wait when they’re ready, and no one wants to intentionally take medicine to make them a crazy person.

We love you, and we appreciate your concern, but please don’t take our problems upon yourself and try to fix them. We will work through this, and we will come out on the other side one way or another. Some day we will move into the acceptance stage of grief, it just might not be today.

Broken Dreams = New Dreams

Why hello there readers!!!

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I have stared at this blank page for over 30 minutes.  Sipping on a little Jack and coke to try and calm my nerves and coax my heart to let me write the words that need to come.  2013 was another failed year at our fertility war, and now that we are officially done with this type of treatment, I can safely explain our situation to the world.

Last year in May, we were given an option from the clinic that we see regularly in London.  An option that seemed too good to refuse.  It was called Embryo Donation.  We sat down with the coordinator who explained all the pros and cons for this type of treatment.  There were defintly more pro's than con's -- and with my age we were a good match for a couple located in California.  The new "sister" clinic of ours here in Ontario would be looking after the procedure and paperwork for us.  It only took us one night to decide that we wanted to opt into this route and to get the paperwork started.  Three Lawyers later, a 65 page "adoption" agreement later we were ready to start!  4 weeks of estrogen and progesterone shots in the butt later we were on a plane off to sunny California to celebrate the next step of our lives and our 5 year anniversary.  Needless to say, we know it did intitially work. We had two viable embryo's transferred on our anniversary and spent the next two days on bed rest and flew home the following week.  I was positively pregnant with twins with flying beta numbers.  Three weeks later, we experienced our first miscarriage with Embryo A with B to follow shortly after.

Embyo A

Embryo B

Since that dreadful day in August, we took a break to let the drugs leave my system and of course to let the grieving and healing begin.  I spent 95% my time in the barn playing with horses and hanging out with my friends, as well I slowly went back to work with my Photography business and kept myself busy. I also organized my first Infertility Fundraiser Photoshoot which was held in October.  We raised just over $1800 to help other couples in our situation be able to afford treatments!  This made me feel so good to be able to help others....and by November we were ready to try one more time.  We had two embryo's left. (we lost two during our first visit due to the thaw)  I felt that if I didn't try again, I would always wonder what would of happened if I didn't.  Would it have worked and we could have finally been a family???

Our Balloon Release

 We made the decision to go, after good news from an exploratory surgery that the doctor in California requested I have.  Quickly, I was put into a cycle with Estrogen injections in my hip muscle twice a week followed by Progesterone injections daily in my hip muscle.  I was also put on Metformin to  control my sugars, a baby asprin to help my blood and my regular doses of vitamins.  I give my husband much credit for putting up with the nightly injections.  He was as gentle as expected coming from a farmer who treats his cows daily by stabbing them.  Well maybe not that rough but you get the picture.

We flew out on an early December morning and arrived in Vegas, spent a day there and a day in Death Valley then headed to LA.   Our second embryo transfer went very smooth and there were no problems.  We were then sent back to our hotel for two days of bed rest.  My husband came down with what I thought was the flu right after the transfer which lasted the whole three days we were there.  (It turned out to be a food allergy)  I developed a cough on the last day before we flew out.  By the time we arrived back at Detroit airport at 6AM on Christmas Eve, I was worse.  We spent the afternoon at my parents and by dinner I was practically in bed sick.  I spent the rest of the Christmas holidays in bed coughing and feeling awful.  By the 27th, I knew I wasn't pregnant.  The 30th came quick and I went into a lab for blood tests and New Years eve we received the dreaded news we were not expecting.

Embryo A

It was a rough experience... part of me knew it already and was used to receiving the bad news and the other part was totally lost.  I became very angry very quickly.  I could only say to my husband, "nothing like seeing our life savings flushed down the drain within 5 minutes"  Both clinics were closed for two weeks.  I had no one to talk to about this at a doctors point of view, but was very thankful to have my three best friends who stood beside me the whole time.  All three made sure I was still "alive" everyday (and they still check daily).  I did find out who was there for me and who was not during this whole experience as well...I know I wrote some pretty cryptic facebook status' as of late, but I do know that every single one of my readers help me get through each and everyday.  I have had people reach out to me that I have never met, give me strength and encouragement. They have thanked me for opening up and letting them read something very personal, which encourages them and helps them during their own fertility struggles.  I do want to let all of you know, I appreciate you!   I am now in my third week of angry depression.  I always seem to get this way as the drugs slowly leave my system.  I become a home body, and I do not leave the house.  Another reason why two of my friends make sure I leave the house at least twice a week haha! 

So what does 2014 hold for me?

I can't answer that yet.  I have decided to focus on me for awhile.  Enjoy my three wonderful horses and focus on working my butt off. I plan on learning to love myself more no matter how broken I feel.  I plan on learning how to turn frustrated tears into smiles.

I plan on organizing the next 2014 Infertility Fundraiser Photoshoot for this coming June and hope to raise more money for people who deserve babies of their own.   I want to make this an annual thing where families can come and help celebrate their angel babies, their dream babies and their miracle babies!

A letter to my husband:

To the love of my life,

Thank you. I know we can get through this together and I wouldn't want to go through this fight with no one other than you.

I love you with everything I have.


~L