Let me step back... let me explain why my sweet husband thinks I have changed from the quiet woman that he married 6 years ago.
With all the trials and tribulations that I have over come in the last ten years define who I am as a person today. I have learned to hold on to love, and not let it go. I have learned to fight hard, and if I don't succeed, to fight harder. I have learned never to give up. I have learned to trust, probably when I shouldn't have. I have learned to never forget. I have learned to never let anyone tell me I am not good enough, and I have learned to stand my ground and never be walked on......ever.....again.
April 2nd, 2005 changed my life forever, and as we reach closer to that horrific date I seem to see myself go back and forth with emotions. I learned so much in the 5 years prior to the loss of someone I loved so deeply, that when the day he was taken from his family, friends and of course myself I changed. I vowed that I would do better. I vowed I would make something out of myself and I vowed that when and if I ever found love like that again, I'd hold on so tight that no one or anything would ever come in between us. 9 Long years ago, I lost my first true love, and while I feel blessed to have known him, I feel blessed to have held him while he took his last breath. I do think of him daily. I believe he is holding all of my angel's hands in heaven and that he is constantly with me through my toughest times in life. And even though as I type this blog, my heart flutters when thinking of him.....I believe that he lead me to my husband, and I believe he has a small part in what holds us together.
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
March 12th marked 4 years since we lost our first angel baby. To mark the occasion, I got some ink so I will always remember every angel baby, every day.
"Lending me the wings I lack" with 7 horse shoes, representing each loss, each miscarriage, each precious angel.
I discovered who and what family means to me, and this is where I learned to stand up for myself! Unfortunately, I have heard from many married couples and the famous saying "You marry the family" always comes to play. In my case, I am a firm believer I married my husband, and him only. He is the one I want to make my life with, not his family. I most likely, should stay some what silent on this subject....I am most certain, that this blog will end up on their desktop/mobile screens. All I have to say is......... "Sticks and stones may build your throne, but you will be up there all alone!"
Positive Changes!!
I was asked this month to be on a community television series called "Women of Courage" to speak about infertility and all the issues and problems that I have encountered during our time in treatment. Since, this has been put on hold until April! I cannot wait to do it, and be the voice for so many people out there who are silent on the subject.
Also C and I decided to go into Foster parenting! We had our first initial consult with the local Children's Aid last week to discuss what our next steps to complete the process! It is such an exciting adventure, but we are both very nervous. Not knowing what the outcome will be, but knowing that we will be helping others is such a fulfillment. I know that everything does happen for a reason, and I feel that everything that we/I have gone through in the last ten years has lead me to this!! How amazing is this!? I am extremely thankful for a few people I have met who have gone and are in the process of going through this route. It is refreshing to know that there are others out there willing to help and network with us!
And I AM STILL GOING TO THE GYM!
So here we are coming into April. Here is hoping that this month will bring more smile and laughter and less tears of frustration and anger!
~L
