Day 23 - Starting Over

By the looks of the title of this post, it certainly means..yes..we need to start over.  We ventured to the clinic this morning around 8 AM to get in line of bloodwork and an ultrasound.  The ultrasound showed no viable follicles at all.  Heartbreaking, but for some reason I am used to the negative news.

We now have to wait until Day 30 (next saturday) to go back for a pregnancy test, which seems a little redundant knowing that you can't produce any follicles that you have to go back to be told that you aren't pregnant.  I most likely will not go.

So now what?  People in my situation who have PCOS may have troubles having their own period.  So I will start taking 10 days of birth control, waiting 5 days and viola!!  Such a pain in the @$$, but it is the only way to do it.  We will be discussing with Dr. Martin later next week our options.  Considering the 5 x injections still didn't produce anything, we are now leaning towards a more invasive procedure; Invetro.   Quite costly, roughly around $8,000.00 if you do not have coverage in which we are hoping to have some in place on the farm by the end of April or May 1st.

I am surprisingly not upset this time....perhaps I knew on day 20 all along that it wasn't going to happen.  A little, too good to be true??  I am going to focus again on myself this month.  Happiness is the key.  Meditation, Healthy eating, healthy lifestyle changes.  And try not to want to strangle poor Chris during the 10 days of birth control.  It really affects my hormones :(

I want to thank everyone for their continued support this month!  Let's see what next cycle brings!!

Love Love.

Lainie

TODAY'S UPDATE:

Day 23:  Bloodwork and Ultrasound complete.  Uterus measuring at 9, any sizable follicle....disappeared into thin air.

CHANGES IN THIS CYCLE:

None

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGES:

Hug a pony!

Day 20: "Two Days Off"

Where to start this blog post?  I am not really sure.  654 blog views since I started this blog three days ago!! Thank you everyone who are following, who are leaving me very kind emails, facebook messages and comments!! So appreciated!!

A lot of people don't understand how your hormones affect your emotions during a cycle.  Happy one minute, and sad and depressed the next.  Not only are your horomones out of whack to begin with (because after all you are experiences infertility) but the medication your doctor has prescribed you will give you a horomonal overload which will make you a princess one minute and a raving bitch queen the next!!!   And that is how I felt this morning going to the clinic for my monitoring apt.  On the drive there, I was happy, excited and a bit anxious to hear if our little follicle had grown. 

When the ultrasound tech handed me my chart after my exam, I knew right then and there while looking at the chicken scratched numbers that it wasn't what I wanted to see.  As soon as I went into the next room for my bloodwork, I burst into tears.  Right away, the nurse closed the door and held my hand.  She knew and I knew that this wasn't an ideal situation.  My little follicle simply disapeared.  She explained that yes, my estrogen level dropped dramatically on Saturday, but there were three more follicles following but it wasn't looking promising until the report from today's bloodwork was reviewed we would know more of what to expect.

I gathered my composure, held my head high as I walked to the front of the office to the waitingroom where my husband was waiting. One look at him, the waterworks started again.  The whole ride home I sat quietly, thinking to myself and asking why the heck can I never get any good news or have great things happen to me. You literally go through stages in treatments and monitoring where you are positive happy to shocked, exremely upset, denial, anger, acceptance and so on, so forth.  And as I sit here typing I am now at the acceptance stage (it all happens very quickly now since being in treatment for over two years)  The words "two days off" are getting very old, very quickly though.  It comes to the end of your cycle when you know that it isn't even worth going in on day 23.  If there wasn't a change on day 20 why the hell would there be 3 days later?  But we must gather the courage and at least see whats going on because curosity gets the best of us everytime.

To know I have an amazing support group behind me, who have either been through the same treatments, or are currently experiencing the same thing at the same clinic is so great.  It sure raises your spirits to know that they are always there to listen, and for that I am forever greatful and thankful!  

If you are going through anxiety of infertility, here are a few tips that I recommend, and which have helped me along the way!

• Pamper yourself. Between the daily hormone injections, the blood draws and ultrasound monitoring of an IVF cycle, your body takes quite a beating. Be sure to give yourself a little extra TLC. Get a massage. Do yoga. Try acupuncture. Take a nap. Treat yourself to what you enjoy. You've earned it.

• Find support. Though you may feel alone in this process at times, infertility is quite common. You may already know friends or family members who have struggled with infertility. Talk to them. If you don't know anyone, ask the nurse at your IVF clinic for referral to a local or online support group.

• Be informed. Ask questions. Try to learn the jargon and understand your test results. It makes the unpredictable feel more in control. If you need help, ask your doctor to recommend a good book or website on IVF. Stay away from unreliable sources of information that can lead you astray and add to your anxiety.

• Stay rooted in the present. It can be overwhelming to deal with the myriad details of IVF: the medication regimen, the monitoring, the instructions, the potential outcomes. Sometimes it is too much to take in all at once. If you find yourself stressed about the process, bring yourself back to the present. What is happening in this moment? What do you need to do today, not tomorrow or next week? Focus only on the next step.

• Ease up on your schedule. Cut obligations where you can. Delegate work or chores if possible. Ask for help from friends, family, colleagues or neighbors. IVF is a time-intensive process--letting go of any extra responsibilities will give you the time to make your appointments while decreasing the stress of trying to juggle too much.

• Remember your life outside IVF. It is easy to get swept up in the process so that the quest to conceive becomes your sole focus. What did you like to do before you began IVF? Paint? Walk? Read? Do it. What in your life is going well? Do you have great friends? A good husband? A job you like? Focusing on those good areas in your life doesn't mean that getting pregnant isn't a priority, it simply helps to balance out your attention and lower anxiety while you undergo treatment.

• Stay away from worst case scenarios. Of course, it is impossible to predict the future but what good does imagining the worst do? If you find yourself playing out negative scenes from the future, try visualizing a positive scene instead. Imagine your embryos as they implant. See yourself relaxed and calm, receiving good news from your doctor. Rethink those negative thoughts with more realistic ones--remember that every IVF cycle is a new opportunity with a potentially new outcome.

• Get help if you need it. If you find that your anxiety becomes unmanageable or if you're struggling with depression, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Many women need a little extra help during this difficult time. Contact your local infertility clinic for resources or search online at websites like www.resolve.org for assistance. Good luck!

                                                                        

TODAY'S UPDATE:

Day 20:  follicle - size 12 has vanished without a trace.  Wondering if I should put out a "missing future person" out on it.  3 new follicles at size 8,9 and 10.  Uterus size from 7 to 9.  I still feel pretty bloated and sore, and had cramps this morning.  Still waiting to hear about blood results, I am sure I will hear this afternoon at some point

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGE:

Today, I am focusing on myself.  A cup of tea, and chick flicks.  After all, it is just one cycle........there will be more :) Think positive! STAY POSITIVE! Love my husband, love myself :)

Day 19, Reminicing with the past

One year ago, to the day I went on stress leave from my job.   And what do you know, I received a phone call asking if I could come in today and help them fix a computer.  WEIRD RIGHT!?  I knew it was going to be awkward, however I also thought it would give me a sense of relief and freedom to face my ex boss after a whole year off after the way she treated me.  

The day I went on stress leave, she made a comment about my "stupid fucking ovaries".  Immediately, I contacted Dr. Martin's office at SOFT to see what I could do.  5 minutes later, they emailed me a stress leave note in which I handed it over to my boss where she basically cursed me out.   A week later, I received a phone call from the clinic asking who this person was *insert name of ignorant former boss here* and that they were calling to see if I was an actual patient at the clinic.  Then the clinic proceeded to give me a name of their lawyer and told me that I should consider not going back to work for them.   

And after spending half an hour with my old boss today, and looking back at my decision, I wouldn't have changed it for the world!!  Not only was I my own boss, but I got to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  I pushed my photography business, took several different courses, played with my horses, drove tractors around in the fields, spent some real quality time with my husband.  I walked out of that office feeling confident that I can pull off another successful year for not only my business, but for my family as well.

Tomorrow is the day we find out our news!!!  I am staying positive that there was at least a small change!

                                                                        

TODAYS UPDATE:

Day 19:

My second 15 minute acupuncture session was today.  Placing the needles on my ankles hooked to an electric current in hopes to stimulate my ovaries to get that little follicle moving.  She also placed needles in my neck, and shoulder's to help me relax as  well at the top of my head which apparently "releases the happy drug".   I then spent half an hour with my ankles in a foot bath and epsion salts to detox.  

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGES:

Dropping rice and potatoes out of my diet!  Took bicycle out of storage and will start using it everyday!

Day 18 - the clock is ticking

154 page views on my very first post yesterday!  WOW!  This morning I woke to dozens of emails, Facebook private messages, timeline posts and even a comment on the blog!  All encouraging comments from strong and beautiful people!!  Today, I am feeling truly blessed to have all of you in my life, whether I know you personally or we have come to know each other on social media.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday, was also a big step for me.  My husband and I spent a lot of time visiting with his family yesterday.  Finally feeling comfortable talking about my body, and what is going with it is such a relief.  If any of you know me, I typically would be scared to go to the doctor on my own for a cold. And going to a doctor about "down there" was literally unheard of!  I didn't want to know what was going on "down there" let alone someone else taking a peak.  You literally lose all dignity when you have to go to a clinic every other day to have an internal ultrasound.  Now it's routine!!  I can walk into the clinic, EEEEVERYONE knows me (probably from last year's stress leave when my inappropriate boss called the clinic to even see if I was even a patient.)  

SOFT is a great place to be.  When feeling even a little bit depressed that things aren't going to work out, there are dozens of staff members there who right away are understanding, and try to lift your spirits and create a positive atmosphere.  I can drag my butt to London at 7:30 am for blood work and ultrasound, and be out of there in 20 minutes, unless we make small talk about what I have been up to.  It is truly amazing to be able to have that many people help you in one place, and know that going in there you are in a safe place where everyone cares about YOU!

So back to yesterday.  Speaking with my parents about the "problem" is one thing.  I make small talk with my mom, let her know what is sort of happening. But that is it.  No talking about eggs, estrogen levels, uterus sizes, blood samples, ultrasounds or anything.  It's just a "yep nothing this month, going to try this and this next month" type of deal.  Talking with my husbands parents.......DEAR LORD!  #1, I cannot just walk into the house and say "my ovaries are being jerks"  I cannot just openly talk about it while my husband is there..... but yesterday...YESTERDAY, my father in law asked me about my uterus, ovaries AND follicle.  TALK ABOUT AWKWARD!   Explaining our treatments to him with even a little "cow breeding" comparisons was the weirdest thing I have ever had to do.  But knowing that both of them were willing to listen, and support us was huge!  Fertility treatments are extremely costly. And now being on them for almost two years our wallets are growing thin and the same with our bank account.  We discussed options of putting in a drug plan here on the farm hoping to offset some costs.  This option we brought forth last year, but again a certain family member did nothing but cause trouble so it was easier for us to go without then to deal with her selfishness and rudeness.  But now, we are heading into more invasive treatments which can costs into the thousands of dollars.  So it is either a little drug plan or a huge loan from the bank.

Needless to say, yesterday it clicked.  I am now comfortable talking about our fertility issues. Being able to talk about what is going on with my body and what steps we are taking to change it.  Sometimes, its better for people to know what you are going through!  It makes them understand why you yelled at them 10 minutes prior and your so giddy after.  They realize your hormones are so out of whack that you can't control it.  They understand you are feeling sad all the time and to be a little more compassionate and caring towards you.

                                                                       

TODAY'S UPDATE

Day 18.  Typically a "normal" woman would have already ovulated.  I am not to go into the Clinic until Wednesday, which yes seeing as it is only merely 2 days away, for me it feels like a lifetime.  Last night I was experiencing some mild discomfort.  It almost felt like I was swelled up and bloated,  I am going to take this as a good sign that something is working down there.  I also booked an acupuncture apt for this morning to try and help stimulate those lazy ovaries.  It was either that, or I was going to go on strike and kick them out of my body.  "Look, if you can't work, then get out!"

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGES:

Keep on, keeping on :)

Hallo - is there anyone out there?

Welcome to my blog!!  Here you can follow my daily battle with the big bad Infertility problem that  I have been "fighting" for a few years.  I hope to shed a bit of insight on what I have been going through, and to help others understand a bit more about this problem.  All opinions are my own and are just that....opinions. (so please keep that in mind)

Enjoy!

Here I sit, with so many thoughts that I want to write down. So many things, I need to write but I just do not know where to start.  I sometimes sit and just wonder what I would write if I could.....so let's start from the beginning.

I met my husband 7 years ago while working at a tractor dealership.  (Yes, I was a country girl right from the start.)  My life was finally heading in the right direction after a year of grieving for the loss of my boyfriend who was killed in a car accident the year before.  I had an education, and finally a little job that would keep my mind off of things, and would be able to meet new people.  Well, I met him, the man of my dreams. I remember one particular moment where I was caught staring at him and thinking - someday, I was going to marury that man, and I didn't even know him. 

Fast forward a few years to December of 2007 he surprised me with a diamond while standing at the old gates in old Quebec City.  With a very quiet voice he asked me to marry him and to this day, I don't even know if I actually replied with a direct answer.  We were married the following year in the middle of July.  A beautiful day to celebrate our ever lasting love and the start of a new family.  We decided that we would start trying for a family later in the fall and if it happened.....it happened.

3 years later, 3 miscarriages and one still birth, my periods stopped and we sought help.  Why was this happening to us?  Both relatively healthy and active, but blessed with bad luck!  We started our journey by having tests done at our regular family physician.  A physical for me, and a sperm sample for my super shy husband.  All was 100% normal for his little swimmers, the problem lied with me and my "fat like" ovaries.  A diagnoses of Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome.  I was then referred to a fertility clinic in London at University Hospital for further investigation.  It didn't take long for me to be back into my physician's office begging to be sent to Southern Ontario Fertility Technologies.  

So my diagnosis:  Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome with the inability to create follicles and ovulate.

We started our treatments with Dr. Martin from Soft in April of 2011.  Starting with a HCG to make sure my fallopian tubes were not blocked and that everything else looked relatively normal.  Once the procedure was completed we were sent home on our first round of drugs.  Birth Control to bring on my period (which I had rarely ever gotten) and a prescription for Clomid.  Needless to say after months of cycles and different drugs combo's we finally called it quits in April of 2012.  A tumor was found in my left ovary and it needed to be removed before any other treatments could be made.  

In November I had my surgery to remove my tumor and anxiously waited for my recovery to be over to meet with Dr. Martin to discuss our next options.   

 

                                                                      

Being infertile is hard to deal with.  A lot of people try and be supportive, but a lot of people can be ignorant and not even know they are doing it.  Feelings can be hurt more easily due to the your uncontrolled hormone surges.  Last spring, I ended up going on stress leave due to my boss' inappropriate remarks regrading my "stupid fucking ovaries".  Later, I quit that job and pursued my own photography business and spent a lot of time on the farm helping my husband.  While not doing treatments, I focused on a healthier happier me. 

Choices had to be made when it came to un-supportive people in our lives, people who wanted to upset us or cause grief.  We had a lot of problems with a certain family member on my husbands side, in which we have now cut completely out of our lives.  (technically the problems still exist with her, but we do not acknowledge it anymore and pass it off as stupidity and ignorance).  Then there were problems with our marriage.  Infertility can really drag a relationship down.  I felt completely useless to my husband.  I always thought he deserved someone who could give him the child he wants and so greatly deserves. Some months were good, some months not so.  It took a long while before we could get to a spot in our relationship knowing that if we didn't have a baby of our own...that indeed it was okay, and he wouldn't just up and leave me for someone else who could.

 

The famous quote "it will happen when it happens"  or "maybe you need to stop trying so hard"

 The inability to create follicles or ovulate seem to be a problem when not supplied by the right dosage of medication.  Many people seem to think that every person who is having difficulties conceiving all have the same problem.  Unfortunately this is not the case.  Each person is different, and will have different problems.  PCOS can be caused by obesity, can cause facial hair, acne, oily skin and hair, etc.  I have none of these things or symptoms.   My problem lies within my ovaries.  The walls are thicker, creating a resistance, and it trying to find the right combination of medications to help it a long.  

Last night, I was approached by someone telling me that their mother went through "the same thing" and that maybe my problem was my weight and that maybe I should try a weight loss shake to help lose the extra lbs in order to help me conceive, later to find out she was a rep for this "shake"  I informed her I was not interested, that my weight was NOT the case.  And however, shedding a few lbs might be a good step for my summer wardrobe I would NOT use a shake which is basically a filler and contains a lot of "crap" that isn't  good for me.

i.e. Body by Vi 's main substance is SOY.  Soy is HORRIBLE for anyone, especially anyone who is having fertility problems.  It plays with your estrogen levels, and contains high amounts of phytoestrogens and Endocrine functions, oh and lets not forget BREAST CANCER! so basically, perhaps you should do your research before trying to push a product on me that will not help me but cause me even more problems.

                                                                      

TODAY'S UPDATE:

As I sit here and type, we are on our first cycle involving injections.  Day 17, 3 Latrazil, 3 Clomids each day for 6 days, 6 Dex Steroids for 6 days and 3 injections of Menopur which turned into 5.  

 One follicle size 12uterus a 7 but estrogen has dropped from 250 to 180.    We now have to wait until Wednesday to go back in for another ultrasound and blood work to see if this is going to be a cancelled cycle or if by some miracle something is going to happen.

WHAT IS NEW WITH THIS CYCLE?:  Our first round of injections made it possible to have at least ONE follicle.

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGE:

Cleansing my heart and soul by following an inspiration meditation.  Cut Energy Cords and think positive. Start Yoga. Relax, relax, relax.