Broken Dreams = New Dreams

Why hello there readers!!!

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I have stared at this blank page for over 30 minutes.  Sipping on a little Jack and coke to try and calm my nerves and coax my heart to let me write the words that need to come.  2013 was another failed year at our fertility war, and now that we are officially done with this type of treatment, I can safely explain our situation to the world.

Last year in May, we were given an option from the clinic that we see regularly in London.  An option that seemed too good to refuse.  It was called Embryo Donation.  We sat down with the coordinator who explained all the pros and cons for this type of treatment.  There were defintly more pro's than con's -- and with my age we were a good match for a couple located in California.  The new "sister" clinic of ours here in Ontario would be looking after the procedure and paperwork for us.  It only took us one night to decide that we wanted to opt into this route and to get the paperwork started.  Three Lawyers later, a 65 page "adoption" agreement later we were ready to start!  4 weeks of estrogen and progesterone shots in the butt later we were on a plane off to sunny California to celebrate the next step of our lives and our 5 year anniversary.  Needless to say, we know it did intitially work. We had two viable embryo's transferred on our anniversary and spent the next two days on bed rest and flew home the following week.  I was positively pregnant with twins with flying beta numbers.  Three weeks later, we experienced our first miscarriage with Embryo A with B to follow shortly after.

Embyo A

Embryo B

Since that dreadful day in August, we took a break to let the drugs leave my system and of course to let the grieving and healing begin.  I spent 95% my time in the barn playing with horses and hanging out with my friends, as well I slowly went back to work with my Photography business and kept myself busy. I also organized my first Infertility Fundraiser Photoshoot which was held in October.  We raised just over $1800 to help other couples in our situation be able to afford treatments!  This made me feel so good to be able to help others....and by November we were ready to try one more time.  We had two embryo's left. (we lost two during our first visit due to the thaw)  I felt that if I didn't try again, I would always wonder what would of happened if I didn't.  Would it have worked and we could have finally been a family???

Our Balloon Release

 We made the decision to go, after good news from an exploratory surgery that the doctor in California requested I have.  Quickly, I was put into a cycle with Estrogen injections in my hip muscle twice a week followed by Progesterone injections daily in my hip muscle.  I was also put on Metformin to  control my sugars, a baby asprin to help my blood and my regular doses of vitamins.  I give my husband much credit for putting up with the nightly injections.  He was as gentle as expected coming from a farmer who treats his cows daily by stabbing them.  Well maybe not that rough but you get the picture.

We flew out on an early December morning and arrived in Vegas, spent a day there and a day in Death Valley then headed to LA.   Our second embryo transfer went very smooth and there were no problems.  We were then sent back to our hotel for two days of bed rest.  My husband came down with what I thought was the flu right after the transfer which lasted the whole three days we were there.  (It turned out to be a food allergy)  I developed a cough on the last day before we flew out.  By the time we arrived back at Detroit airport at 6AM on Christmas Eve, I was worse.  We spent the afternoon at my parents and by dinner I was practically in bed sick.  I spent the rest of the Christmas holidays in bed coughing and feeling awful.  By the 27th, I knew I wasn't pregnant.  The 30th came quick and I went into a lab for blood tests and New Years eve we received the dreaded news we were not expecting.

Embryo A

It was a rough experience... part of me knew it already and was used to receiving the bad news and the other part was totally lost.  I became very angry very quickly.  I could only say to my husband, "nothing like seeing our life savings flushed down the drain within 5 minutes"  Both clinics were closed for two weeks.  I had no one to talk to about this at a doctors point of view, but was very thankful to have my three best friends who stood beside me the whole time.  All three made sure I was still "alive" everyday (and they still check daily).  I did find out who was there for me and who was not during this whole experience as well...I know I wrote some pretty cryptic facebook status' as of late, but I do know that every single one of my readers help me get through each and everyday.  I have had people reach out to me that I have never met, give me strength and encouragement. They have thanked me for opening up and letting them read something very personal, which encourages them and helps them during their own fertility struggles.  I do want to let all of you know, I appreciate you!   I am now in my third week of angry depression.  I always seem to get this way as the drugs slowly leave my system.  I become a home body, and I do not leave the house.  Another reason why two of my friends make sure I leave the house at least twice a week haha! 

So what does 2014 hold for me?

I can't answer that yet.  I have decided to focus on me for awhile.  Enjoy my three wonderful horses and focus on working my butt off. I plan on learning to love myself more no matter how broken I feel.  I plan on learning how to turn frustrated tears into smiles.

I plan on organizing the next 2014 Infertility Fundraiser Photoshoot for this coming June and hope to raise more money for people who deserve babies of their own.   I want to make this an annual thing where families can come and help celebrate their angel babies, their dream babies and their miracle babies!

A letter to my husband:

To the love of my life,

Thank you. I know we can get through this together and I wouldn't want to go through this fight with no one other than you.

I love you with everything I have.


~L