Day 20: "Two Days Off"

Where to start this blog post?  I am not really sure.  654 blog views since I started this blog three days ago!! Thank you everyone who are following, who are leaving me very kind emails, facebook messages and comments!! So appreciated!!

A lot of people don't understand how your hormones affect your emotions during a cycle.  Happy one minute, and sad and depressed the next.  Not only are your horomones out of whack to begin with (because after all you are experiences infertility) but the medication your doctor has prescribed you will give you a horomonal overload which will make you a princess one minute and a raving bitch queen the next!!!   And that is how I felt this morning going to the clinic for my monitoring apt.  On the drive there, I was happy, excited and a bit anxious to hear if our little follicle had grown. 

When the ultrasound tech handed me my chart after my exam, I knew right then and there while looking at the chicken scratched numbers that it wasn't what I wanted to see.  As soon as I went into the next room for my bloodwork, I burst into tears.  Right away, the nurse closed the door and held my hand.  She knew and I knew that this wasn't an ideal situation.  My little follicle simply disapeared.  She explained that yes, my estrogen level dropped dramatically on Saturday, but there were three more follicles following but it wasn't looking promising until the report from today's bloodwork was reviewed we would know more of what to expect.

I gathered my composure, held my head high as I walked to the front of the office to the waitingroom where my husband was waiting. One look at him, the waterworks started again.  The whole ride home I sat quietly, thinking to myself and asking why the heck can I never get any good news or have great things happen to me. You literally go through stages in treatments and monitoring where you are positive happy to shocked, exremely upset, denial, anger, acceptance and so on, so forth.  And as I sit here typing I am now at the acceptance stage (it all happens very quickly now since being in treatment for over two years)  The words "two days off" are getting very old, very quickly though.  It comes to the end of your cycle when you know that it isn't even worth going in on day 23.  If there wasn't a change on day 20 why the hell would there be 3 days later?  But we must gather the courage and at least see whats going on because curosity gets the best of us everytime.

To know I have an amazing support group behind me, who have either been through the same treatments, or are currently experiencing the same thing at the same clinic is so great.  It sure raises your spirits to know that they are always there to listen, and for that I am forever greatful and thankful!  

If you are going through anxiety of infertility, here are a few tips that I recommend, and which have helped me along the way!

• Pamper yourself. Between the daily hormone injections, the blood draws and ultrasound monitoring of an IVF cycle, your body takes quite a beating. Be sure to give yourself a little extra TLC. Get a massage. Do yoga. Try acupuncture. Take a nap. Treat yourself to what you enjoy. You've earned it.

• Find support. Though you may feel alone in this process at times, infertility is quite common. You may already know friends or family members who have struggled with infertility. Talk to them. If you don't know anyone, ask the nurse at your IVF clinic for referral to a local or online support group.

• Be informed. Ask questions. Try to learn the jargon and understand your test results. It makes the unpredictable feel more in control. If you need help, ask your doctor to recommend a good book or website on IVF. Stay away from unreliable sources of information that can lead you astray and add to your anxiety.

• Stay rooted in the present. It can be overwhelming to deal with the myriad details of IVF: the medication regimen, the monitoring, the instructions, the potential outcomes. Sometimes it is too much to take in all at once. If you find yourself stressed about the process, bring yourself back to the present. What is happening in this moment? What do you need to do today, not tomorrow or next week? Focus only on the next step.

• Ease up on your schedule. Cut obligations where you can. Delegate work or chores if possible. Ask for help from friends, family, colleagues or neighbors. IVF is a time-intensive process--letting go of any extra responsibilities will give you the time to make your appointments while decreasing the stress of trying to juggle too much.

• Remember your life outside IVF. It is easy to get swept up in the process so that the quest to conceive becomes your sole focus. What did you like to do before you began IVF? Paint? Walk? Read? Do it. What in your life is going well? Do you have great friends? A good husband? A job you like? Focusing on those good areas in your life doesn't mean that getting pregnant isn't a priority, it simply helps to balance out your attention and lower anxiety while you undergo treatment.

• Stay away from worst case scenarios. Of course, it is impossible to predict the future but what good does imagining the worst do? If you find yourself playing out negative scenes from the future, try visualizing a positive scene instead. Imagine your embryos as they implant. See yourself relaxed and calm, receiving good news from your doctor. Rethink those negative thoughts with more realistic ones--remember that every IVF cycle is a new opportunity with a potentially new outcome.

• Get help if you need it. If you find that your anxiety becomes unmanageable or if you're struggling with depression, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Many women need a little extra help during this difficult time. Contact your local infertility clinic for resources or search online at websites like www.resolve.org for assistance. Good luck!

                                                                        

TODAY'S UPDATE:

Day 20:  follicle - size 12 has vanished without a trace.  Wondering if I should put out a "missing future person" out on it.  3 new follicles at size 8,9 and 10.  Uterus size from 7 to 9.  I still feel pretty bloated and sore, and had cramps this morning.  Still waiting to hear about blood results, I am sure I will hear this afternoon at some point

TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGE:

Today, I am focusing on myself.  A cup of tea, and chick flicks.  After all, it is just one cycle........there will be more :) Think positive! STAY POSITIVE! Love my husband, love myself :)