Welcome to my blog!! Here you can follow my daily battle with the big bad Infertility problem that I have been "fighting" for a few years. I hope to shed a bit of insight on what I have been going through, and to help others understand a bit more about this problem. All opinions are my own and are just that....opinions. (so please keep that in mind)
Enjoy!
Here I sit, with so many thoughts that I want to write down. So many things, I need to write but I just do not know where to start. I sometimes sit and just wonder what I would write if I could.....so let's start from the beginning.
I met my husband 7 years ago while working at a tractor dealership. (Yes, I was a country girl right from the start.) My life was finally heading in the right direction after a year of grieving for the loss of my boyfriend who was killed in a car accident the year before. I had an education, and finally a little job that would keep my mind off of things, and would be able to meet new people. Well, I met him, the man of my dreams. I remember one particular moment where I was caught staring at him and thinking - someday, I was going to marury that man, and I didn't even know him.
Fast forward a few years to December of 2007 he surprised me with a diamond while standing at the old gates in old Quebec City. With a very quiet voice he asked me to marry him and to this day, I don't even know if I actually replied with a direct answer. We were married the following year in the middle of July. A beautiful day to celebrate our ever lasting love and the start of a new family. We decided that we would start trying for a family later in the fall and if it happened.....it happened.
3 years later, 3 miscarriages and one still birth, my periods stopped and we sought help. Why was this happening to us? Both relatively healthy and active, but blessed with bad luck! We started our journey by having tests done at our regular family physician. A physical for me, and a sperm sample for my super shy husband. All was 100% normal for his little swimmers, the problem lied with me and my "fat like" ovaries. A diagnoses of Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome. I was then referred to a fertility clinic in London at University Hospital for further investigation. It didn't take long for me to be back into my physician's office begging to be sent to Southern Ontario Fertility Technologies.
So my diagnosis: Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome with the inability to create follicles and ovulate.
We started our treatments with Dr. Martin from Soft in April of 2011. Starting with a HCG to make sure my fallopian tubes were not blocked and that everything else looked relatively normal. Once the procedure was completed we were sent home on our first round of drugs. Birth Control to bring on my period (which I had rarely ever gotten) and a prescription for Clomid. Needless to say after months of cycles and different drugs combo's we finally called it quits in April of 2012. A tumor was found in my left ovary and it needed to be removed before any other treatments could be made.
In November I had my surgery to remove my tumor and anxiously waited for my recovery to be over to meet with Dr. Martin to discuss our next options.
Being infertile is hard to deal with. A lot of people try and be supportive, but a lot of people can be ignorant and not even know they are doing it. Feelings can be hurt more easily due to the your uncontrolled hormone surges. Last spring, I ended up going on stress leave due to my boss' inappropriate remarks regrading my "stupid fucking ovaries". Later, I quit that job and pursued my own photography business and spent a lot of time on the farm helping my husband. While not doing treatments, I focused on a healthier happier me.
Choices had to be made when it came to un-supportive people in our lives, people who wanted to upset us or cause grief. We had a lot of problems with a certain family member on my husbands side, in which we have now cut completely out of our lives. (technically the problems still exist with her, but we do not acknowledge it anymore and pass it off as stupidity and ignorance). Then there were problems with our marriage. Infertility can really drag a relationship down. I felt completely useless to my husband. I always thought he deserved someone who could give him the child he wants and so greatly deserves. Some months were good, some months not so. It took a long while before we could get to a spot in our relationship knowing that if we didn't have a baby of our own...that indeed it was okay, and he wouldn't just up and leave me for someone else who could.
The famous quote "it will happen when it happens" or "maybe you need to stop trying so hard"
The inability to create follicles or ovulate seem to be a problem when not supplied by the right dosage of medication. Many people seem to think that every person who is having difficulties conceiving all have the same problem. Unfortunately this is not the case. Each person is different, and will have different problems. PCOS can be caused by obesity, can cause facial hair, acne, oily skin and hair, etc. I have none of these things or symptoms. My problem lies within my ovaries. The walls are thicker, creating a resistance, and it trying to find the right combination of medications to help it a long.
Last night, I was approached by someone telling me that their mother went through "the same thing" and that maybe my problem was my weight and that maybe I should try a weight loss shake to help lose the extra lbs in order to help me conceive, later to find out she was a rep for this "shake" I informed her I was not interested, that my weight was NOT the case. And however, shedding a few lbs might be a good step for my summer wardrobe I would NOT use a shake which is basically a filler and contains a lot of "crap" that isn't good for me.
i.e. Body by Vi 's main substance is SOY. Soy is HORRIBLE for anyone, especially anyone who is having fertility problems. It plays with your estrogen levels, and contains high amounts of phytoestrogens and Endocrine functions, oh and lets not forget BREAST CANCER! so basically, perhaps you should do your research before trying to push a product on me that will not help me but cause me even more problems.
TODAY'S UPDATE:
As I sit here and type, we are on our first cycle involving injections. Day 17, 3 Latrazil, 3 Clomids
each day for 6 days, 6 Dex Steroids for 6 days and 3 injections of Menopur which
turned into 5.
One follicle size 12uterus a 7 but estrogen has
dropped from 250 to 180. We now have to wait until Wednesday to go back
in for another ultrasound and blood work to see if this is going to be a
cancelled cycle or if by some miracle something is going to happen.
WHAT IS NEW WITH THIS CYCLE?: Our first round of injections made it possible to have at least ONE follicle.
TODAY'S LIFESTYLE CHANGE:
Cleansing my heart and soul by following an inspiration meditation. Cut Energy Cords and think positive. Start Yoga. Relax, relax, relax.
Wow. My heart aches. Why can those who least want children have the ability, but those whos very bones physically ache for a child not. This world sucks. Im sorry. I hope one day your dreams come true. At the very least, I wish you content in your life.
ReplyDelete